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Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
It`s not that I CAN`T be good, it`s that I`m SOOOOO much better at being BAD!!!
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.