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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?