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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
Going to drink straight from the carton because I`m a badass!
if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
"The Ugly Duckling" has a great message. Everything in life will work itself out once you become physically attractive.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I`ll read 4 or 5 status updates and I`ll cry, because I relieze how dysfunctional some of my friends life`s are. but then I`ll smile when I remember things like the leftover pizza from last night sitting on the coffee table!
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
My bedroom is perfect for a one night stand, but there’s no room for two night stands.