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I’ve probably wasted a solid year of my life just staring into the fridge.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
I saw that! - Karma
Akward Moment Is When Your Twin Sister Calls You Ugly(:
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee`s, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.