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I don`t get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.
I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
What`s the difference between "Ooooo" and "Ahhh"? About 3 inches.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
I wish they made bar-stools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Why do we even ask rhetorical questions?
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with