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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
I know the light has changed twice people but I`m playing air drums until Moby Dick is over...sit back and enjoy the show please...
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.