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Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I liked you until you started ignoring me and then I loved you. -Girls ---- Bfanch
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Being human is expensive and exhausting.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?