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Next time you think life`s not fair..think of this x large clothes cost $2 more than large so why doesn`t small cost $2 less ? Being fat ....now that`s unfair
Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
My New Year’s resolution is to save enough to buy a Velcro wall ... I plan on sticking to it.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.