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You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
Homeless people should make more creative signs like "I bet you can`t hit me with a quarter...b!tch!"
There’s nothing better than when someone you know walks by without recognizing you.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
If at first you don´t succeed ..... buy her another drink
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Have you ever been cutting a piece of pager with scissors and worried that you might cut an atom in half and destroy the world?
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazines for the articles?
It`s been an exhausting day of pretending I`m a pleasant person.
We`ll be friends `til we`re old and senile ... Then we`ll be new friends.
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.