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How do I tell my boss I don`t want to do work anymore but still want money.
The other day someone told me I could make ice cubes out of leftover wine. I was confused... What is leftover wine?
Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
My friend is a magician, she can turn anything into an argument.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
The key to a long relationship: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.