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A world without women would be a pain in the a$$.
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
"I like your tree`s earring." ... "That`s a tire swing."
The bouncer at the club calls me Kevin McAllister because I`m always going home alone
I wonder if people that live in Hawaii have screensavers of bumper to bumper traffic?
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I was flattered.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.