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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza
Have you ever stopped to think, and forgot to start again?
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.