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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
When I was little we didn`t have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
Some of the happiest years of a woman`s life are when she`s 29.
There`s no WE in pizza.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.