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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
I`m happy that my grandma thinks that a iPad is for wet and leaking eyes
Coworker: What did you do this weekend? Me: Dug holes in the woods. And that is how you get people to shut up.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
How come we can put a man on the moon but we can`t made a smoke alarm that can differentiate between a house fire and cooking sausages?
Personally, I think failure should be an option
I don’t let my friends do stupid things… ALONE!
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"