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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
Don’t tell me what to do unless you’re naked.
Is the CEO of Kraft also known as The Big Cheese?
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
On demand sucks. Hoarders made me fill up the dumpster and clean the house. Now I want to collect coupons and go to the pawn shop....
There`s no WE in pizza.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?