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Do not treat a woman like an object. It hates that...
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.