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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
Sometimes, I drink a glass of water, just to surprise my liver!
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
The only way I know if I`ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
I´m not insensitive, I just don´t care.
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…