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I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.
All my biological clock does, is let me know when it`s time to eat again
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting nine hours of sleep.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
The skinny girl inside me once tried to come out. I shut that b*tch up with a cupcake
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*