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I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
I`d like to have a kid but I`m not sure I`m ready to spend ten years of my life constantly asking someone where their shoes are.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
Well, all I have to say is TGIF. (Post this on any day but Friday to get comments)
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.