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If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
I’m going to be very busy in the afterlife. the list of people I’m going to haunt grows everyday.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.