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What I do when I black out is none of my business.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
exercise........you mean extra fries
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.