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I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.