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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They`ve obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
I don`t understand why people have to "get ready" for bed....I`m always ready for bed.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.