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Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.