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Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.