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Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
There`s a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.
insert coin to view my status
Just once I want my skills to be so urgently required that a helicopter is dispatched to pick me up.