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If you ever Google "Grandfather Clock", be careful how you spell that sh!t.
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
Keep the dream alive......... Hit the snooze button.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
The reason I don`t play Scrabble online, is that I can`t throw the tiles at the person who beats me.