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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
Never trust a skinny chef
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
Pretty sure I know what my wife`s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, "A 3-way?" she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?