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Quiet people have the loudest minds.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
Finally, my winter fat is gone, now all I have are spring rolls.
I know the voices ain`t really, but man, do they ever come up with some great ideas.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
…and for my next trick, I will pull this dryer sheet out of my sleeve!
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
When I`m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, " I hid the body, now what?"