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The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
"Well, now I see how you came up with the word `Microsoft`." -Melinda Gates (on their wedding night)
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?