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Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
Am I the only one who thinks water has that taste that no one can describe?
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.
Trojan should be sponsoring Teen Mom. That show is the best advertisement for why you should always wear condoms.