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Exercise? More like extra fries.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I`m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Why can`t I get service in my own home, but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan!?
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?