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"I like tube tops too, but even tires have pressure limits!
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
Here’s the thing about work: I really don’t feel like doing any.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.