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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
I love using my GPS, problem is I can`t find it.
Do whatever you want. And if it’s something you’re going to regret in the morning…sleep late.
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
I’ve got bad news: Today is not Friday, Tomorrow is not Friday, Even the day after tomorrow is not Friday.
I need a "previously on your life" recap for the things I didn`t pay attention to.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?