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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
Some will forget, the others are simply women.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
If someone tells you "it`s better than sex" they`re not doing the sex right.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Being handed a flyer is the offline version of a pop-up ad.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."