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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
Afraid my muffin top is desiring to become a pound cake.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?