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Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun