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Women don`t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think.
My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
Do stupid people ever hit a point in their life, where they realize they’re stupid?
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
is a mystery you´ll never solve
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.