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HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
Everyone wants you to "be honest" until you tell them how much they suck.
Is it safe to take off my Winter Solstice Glasses yet?
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
When the girl working the counter says "would you like fries with that?" say.."are you calling me fat??" then burst into tears. Free meal.
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.