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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
How do you people have the time to hate a stranger on the internet?
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
Forget resolutions, Imma just say from now on... TGIS "Thank God I Survived" ! :)
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
I have never met a woman without wondering what her box of cookie recipes looks like.
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Sometimes you have to photoshop your life. Touch up edges, adjust the tones, blur the background, focus on yourself & crop some people out.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D