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Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
I cant afford a Snuggie so I just wear my robe backwards...
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Whenever I try cleaning my room I either end up making a bigger mess, or just playing with the stuff I thought I lost.
I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there`s my drink.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women`s facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren`t looking at her face.
Whoever made up the saying "It`s the thought that counts" never got a pair of crocs for Christmas.