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I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
"What did you do today?" "I text messaged." :)
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye after you hit send.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.