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Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrhea!
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m an apple.
A true man is one who leaves his wife alone in cold weather and goes to watch football.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
I`m the type of person who will throw away the manual and ponder for 3 hours "where the hell do I start"
My wife asked me to load the dishwasher. So I poured her some shots and told her to start drinking. And that`s how the fight started.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
I don`t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you`re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year`s party, hope you had fun dude.
Before Walmart you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded lady!
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.
How long does it take to get obsessed?