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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
My mind has a mind of its own.
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.