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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Don’t judge me…If you’re reading this then you aren’t working either.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
I`ve been eating a lot of extra calories since daylight savings to make up for that hour of eating I missed.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
If anybody in North America needs a napkin, hit me up. I should have enough in my car’s glovebox for each of you.