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The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?
I was told there would be kool-aid.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty