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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
You know you`re getting old when cops make you feel safe instead of nervous.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said "seriously?" after a comment you made during an argument.
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the f*ck alone.