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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, Iām ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on facebook. That was a close one.
Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
Of all the possible utensils that could have been invented to eat rice with... How did 2 sticks win out!?
All my dance moves look like i`m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second