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I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don`t have great childing skills either.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
GF: "You`re cute when you`re drunk" Me: "You`re cute when I`m drunk too"
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza.
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.