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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
Christmas came early this year! My neighbor just upgraded our internet speed... I mean his internet speed. Or whatever...
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
That mind-blowing moment when you realize chores were really the crap your parents didn’t want to do.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?