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I want to start a womans magazine called "Period". ..then every few months I`ll send it out late JUST to freak them out. ;)
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
I don’t appreciate the 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
I always learn from mistakes of others, who took my advice.