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I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
Fruit cocktail is the most disappointing of all the cocktails.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.