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I bet Waldo`s parents are worried sick.
I just made you think of an elephant
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
After committing a crime, always carry a fire extinguisher. No one gets stopped while running with a fire extinguisher.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1