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Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
You`d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won`t
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
Morning comes in 3 sizes: 1) Early. 2) Too early. 3) Way too early
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"
Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...