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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
Sorry, I didn’t get your message because I deleted it without listening.
I`m getting sick of seeing all these lyric status`s, it reminds me of somebody that I used to know.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
Me: Mom...Dad. I`ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
Does this floor I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?