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therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.
I`m still kinda pissed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street
Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.