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DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest…just not more than I don’t want to.
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
I wasn´t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I feel
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.