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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
If at first you don`t succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...