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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
why me is me ?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
If my fridge had glass doors I would still stand there and hold the door open.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those TacoBell hot sauce packets.