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If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
We have those sticky traps all around the house and I just found one moved clear across the room with all sorts of hair on it....so if anyone see`s a BALD mouse running around, it belongs to me
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
Smile. Your enemies hate it.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
Sometimes saying "F*ck it" is the best decision.
You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That`s why I`m happier than you
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…