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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
I`m not sure what post it was that caused me to lose 2 more Facebook friends today, but if I find out which one it was I will make sure to post it again....
To error is human, to forgive is divine, to keep your damn mouth shut is much appreciated.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
There`s a time and a place for alcohol ... In my hand and now.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
Don`t you wish common sense would make a big comeback.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
Some people live life in the fast lane. You’re in oncoming traffic.