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Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
I hate hanging out with MC Hammer, he never let`s me touch anything.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
I wish I had money so I could be eccentric instead of just weird.
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
my doctor says I have the body of a 20 year old, the mind of a 30 year old and the wisdom of a someone twice my age, to which my husband asked " What did he say about your fat ass?" I said to my husband, "Oh , the doctor didn`t say anything about you dear!".
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend
No matter how compelling and convincing the other person’s argument is, you can always win a debate by adding “yeah, but still” at the end.