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If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around. HAHAHAHA. As if.
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?