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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
Some parts of the world use Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. Me? I just want you all to know how delicious my sandwich is.
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.