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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Mrs Bieber.... WHY U NO USE CONDOM?
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.