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The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
Do you ever wish you had a second chance to meet someone again for the first time?
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
It scares me when the lights go out and it`s complete darkness. The first thing I think is ... OMG I just went blind!
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
Sleep is like a time machine to breakfast.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.