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I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
I finally finished my 4,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. It reads- " Get a life you sad F**k "
I`d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
We got an extra day this year. Why did it have to be a Monday?