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I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
if I was a bird, I know who I´d poop on first.
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
Well that’s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I’m doing
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
Fat, single and ready for a Pringle.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch