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My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
Just pour the coffee and back away slowly.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
Iām going to start telling girls that Iām available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.