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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
Just so I`m sure to make friends, I like to walk in the bar carrying a handful of phone chargers.
Why do people post pictures of missing people on facebook?...like we are going outside.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
When I was a boy, Mom would send me down to the corner store with $1 and I would get 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, some cheese and 6 eggs. You can`t do that now, to many damn security cameras!
I party until the taxi with the pretty red and blue lights picks me up.
I wish karma would send me email notifications.