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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
There`s no life problem that a good "F*ck this shit" can`t solve.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them