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Jesus is coming.... look busy
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
Go ahead caller 9!!
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.