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GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I`d go to hell for.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.
I`m just like you ... Only smarter and better looking.