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I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
If pi is 3.14, then I think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
Cats don`t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can`t put them in the washing machine.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.