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Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
I`m always amazed that when tragedy strikes how quickly people on Facebook become experts on the subject no matter what it is.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
It`s amazing the things I can remember when I don`t need to remember anything.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives. I`ll decide what is "fresh" and "natural" and "like a real girl" thank you very much.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels