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Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
Sunglasses: I don’t want to make awkward eye contact with certain people.
I have decided I no longer want to be an adult. So if anyone needs me, I`ll be in my blankey fort... coloring.
My workout plan really only consists of me wandering around in parking lots because I forgot where I parked...
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning". If it were a good morning I`d still be in bed instead of talking to people.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"