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I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating. She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I`ve gotta go find my clothes.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
No thank you, I don`t need a coaster. I won`t be putting my drink down.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off