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Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
What if animals all speak a universal language, and we’re the odd ones out???
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.