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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
My head has that drunk on cheap alcohol feel without me getting to actually drink the alcohol :(