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I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Depression is just your body`s way of saying it needs more orgasms.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. Unless your wife finds out.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!