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Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself." ~5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Yesterday I fell off a 50 foot ladder. It`s probably a good thing I was on the bottom step...
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers