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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
HANGOVER!!!!! it`s God`s way of sayin "u kicked a$$ last night"
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
Ran into a former supervisor from my last job today, kept driving.
I ordered an Asian hooker last night. She showed up 2 hours late. She loved me wrong time.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?