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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
Can`t dance? Spell your name....in the air...with your butt. BOOM! Next problem...
Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I`m pursuing you online and from my couch
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"
I`m going to hire two private detectives to follow each other .
Sleep is just a symptom of caffeine deprivation.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!