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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
Pretending to tolerate other people is exhausting.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
Having to cash in my State Quarter Collection`s map for gas money is reaching a new low.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling