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If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
I don`t know what I would do without you, but I bet it`s awesome.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
A man is as faithful as his options
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"