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I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
Self-Checkout lanes were invented by a guy who was sent out to buy tampons.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
The next time you feel you`re worthless.... just remember.... your organs are worth a LOT of money on the black market.
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
"You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome