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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
I have been snoring a lot lately and apparently my coworkers find it distracting
People saying "Laugh my a$$ off" and still having an a$$ next time I see them is the reason I have trust issues.
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be a Pilot...but apparently I was too young.
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
If you`re "just sayin", then just shut the hell up.
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Why do people at home on TV have their pants on?