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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
My hair only looks good on days when no one important sees it.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That`d be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
Things I hate about work: 1. Waking up 2. Humans 3. Working
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
Have you ever said something and immediately thought “I didn’t know I knew that."
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.