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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
Another day, another chance to make someone say, "Oh, now that`s just WRONG"...
I couldn`t help but notice that I would like to have sex with you more frequently!
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
screw flowers, its all about chia pets ;)
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Let`s be honest. The only reason you listen to your voice-mail messages is to make the stupid icon disappear
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"