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Sometimes my neighbors love my music so much that they invite the police to listen.
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Pizza is my favorite winter activity
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
2 can keep a secret if one of them is dead...
is "insert clever remark here."
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
You`re an intellectual who doesn`t read books? I completely understand because I`m an athlete that rarely moves.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.