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Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
The most terrifying thing a woman can say to me is "notice anything different?"
When I become president I will make Monday a part of the weekend.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
New rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I`m guaranteed at least one attempt on trying to trip you.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
I could snap at any moment. Seriously, with either hand.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
We`re all just nudists in disguise...
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.
Why get married? Just pick a girl you hate and buy her a house.