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No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
The best part about Valentine`s Day is that tomorrow is Friday.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. Yup, she needs a walker.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
Stealing other people`s statuses on Facebook is called a Facelift.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn`t reach the toilet paper.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
Well another funny thing about this status is, by the time your done reading this, you realize it talks about absolutely nothing and you just wasted your time. Welcome to Facebook.
Who ever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard!
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.