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The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
Scent is the sense most tied to memory. "Common" is the sense least tied to people.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.