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Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
I`ve never had a windshield wiper setting that truly satisfied me.
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."