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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
It`s a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Stretch pants are like Wonder Bras for your butt cheeks
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.