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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
Yeah, you go ahead and climb that mountain "because it`s there", I am going to eat this Pizza "because it`s here"................................
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
Most days the best thing about my job is that my chair spins
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
What do you mean I should be more productive? Do you think this cocktail made itself?
Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You`re Welcome..
Pregnancy test confirmed me my worst fear.......I`m just fat
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.