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I just called. To say. I texted you.
If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
Is there any way to really know how many camouflage shirts are in your house?
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.