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If running on a treadmill was the only way to recharge our phones we would be the healthiest mofos on the planet.
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
I will not let people drive me crazy because I know it`s in walking distance.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
So much to do and so few alibis.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
Shout out to all the girls who don`t have to dress half naked to get a mans attention. Stay classy! And the rest of you come with me.
Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?