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Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
If it requires pants, its not happening today.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
My leadership experience is pretty much limited to those three consecutive days in first grade when I was line leader.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
for those people out there who don`t know me, congrats your not a facebook addict
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.