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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Wives are just security guards hellbent on denying you access to your happiness, and porn collection.
I`m confused as to whether I`m supposed to leap or hump today.
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
Poetry would be a lot harder if violets were orange.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
I`m surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y`all.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!