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“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
GF: Does this dress make my a$$ look big? BF: Nope Your A$$ makes the dress look big.
Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
I purposely bought the same grill my neighbor has, so every time it needs to be cleaned, I just switch them at night.
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.
Dude, I see you are enjoying a cold Bud Light Lime-a-Rita .... I`m going to assume that`s your smart car parked outside.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
Its almost that time again! That`s right, its holiday season! Merry Black Friday sales, and happy spending!
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.